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Sunday, July 31, 2011

Existential Eeyore #41 World Record

"I got a letter from The Guinness Book of World Records today. They wont certify a record for most unsuccessful  suicide attempts. Oh bother."

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Existential Eeyore #40: Control

"I've always known that Christopher Robin was a bit of a control freak but the razor-wire caught me by surprise."

Friday, July 29, 2011

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Somali Pirates Open Stock Exchange, Probably A Safer Investment Than The NYSE.

YARRRR

Multiple sources including Reuters and The Wall Street Journal are reporting that Somali pirates have opened a stock exchange to facilitate investment in 72 local pirate crews (only 10 of which have been successful at hijacking ships to date).
"Piracy-related business has become the main profitable economic activity in our area and as locals we depend on their output," said Mohamed Adam, the town of Haradheere’s deputy security officer.
At the rate the budget talks are progressing in Washington the Somali Pirate Exchange may be your best investment option in the short to intermediate term.
billows
What a pirate stock exchange might look like

Existential Eeyore #38: The Bear

"Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes, well, he eats you. If you know what I mean..."

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Korean Scientists Create Glowing Dog, Late Night Snacking Now 200% Easier

Tasty
The glowing dog's name is "Tegon" which apparently is Korean for "tasty"
Reuters reports:
South Korean scientists said on Wednesday they have created a glowing dog using a cloning technique that could help find cures for human diseases such as Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, Yonhap news agency reported.
Alzheimer’s research, sure. That’s what they want you to believe.

Chinese Couple Sell Their Children For Video Game Money, Still Better Parents Than Casey Anthony

Clearance This Week Only
What Chinese children might look like
Sanxiang City News reports that a young couple sold their three children for approximately $9,700 ($4600 each for the the two boys, $500 for the girl) to finance their habit of playing online games at internet cafes. Said the “parents”: "We don’t want to raise them, we just want to sell them for some money.” WoW.

Existential Eeyore #37: Every time a bell rings...

"Remember, every time a bell rings nothing happens because there are no such things as angels."

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Man Kills 55 Sled Dogs, Arranges Bodies In Star Patterns, Attempts Suicide. Well…Alrighty Then.

211-wtf-husky
Serious Husky is NOT amused.
Peter Northcutt of Joliet Montana apparently shot 55 of of his 65 sled dogs and arranged their bodies in star shaped patterns on his property. He then laid down among the dogs and became “unresponsive” according to local police. He is currently in serious condition at a local hospital. Wow! That’s a metric fuck-ton of crazy right there. [Billings Gazette via Fark]

Existential Eeyore #36: My bologna

"♫ Oh my bologna has a first name, it's P-I-G-L-E-T..."

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Headline Of The Day: 'Nathan Johnson Arrested For Allegedly Having Sex With Horse, Again'

Equine "enthusiast" Nathan Johnson
Kentucky resident Nathan Johnson has been arrested for a second time for...err... enjoying the company of horses in a stable in Carson Park. The victim had neigh comment.

The victim's identity has been hidden to protect her privacy



Existential Eeyore #34: Good Things

"They say 'Good things come to those who wait'. They're lying."

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Existential Eeyore #33: Special Secret

"There's a reason my tail is broken but Christopher Robin says it's our 'Special Secret' that I can never tell outsiders.

Friday, July 22, 2011

This Week’s Mugshots Get The Silver


Krylon 4 Lyfe Bitches
"Duuuude if you could only hear the things I've seen..."
Click on our sparkly, yet thoughtful, friend above to see this week’s mugshot roundup from The Smoking Gun.

Existential Eeyore #32: Magic & Truth

"Christopher Robin used to think the world was a magical place...until I explained to him how his Mother didn't get those black eyes from 'walking into doors'."

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Holy Shit, It’s a Fucking Leopard!

holy_shit_its_a_fucking_leopard
This gets my vote for "Picture of the Year"     Photo ©AP
I couldn’t come up with a better headline for this than the guys @ whatthechrist.com did so I’ll have to borrow theirs.  I mean holy shit, look at that badass motherfucker in action! According to the AP:
A snarling leopard mauled 11 people in an Indian village and terrorized wildlife officials trying to drive it away before it was tranquilized and died of injuries from the fierce showdown.
Damn! That was one pissed off leopard! There are more photos at the AP link above.

Existential Eeyore #31: Instructions

Add caption
"Here's a caption for you - Go fuck yourself. "

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

How Big Is Hamad? Big Enough To See From Space.

image
Billionaire sheik Hamad Bin Hamdan Al Ahyan had his minions carve his name 2 miles wide and 3,000 feet high in the desert of Futaisi Island (which he owns) in Abu Dhabi. Why? Because he can. I wish I could afford an army of minions to this kind of stuff for me.
Anything's possible: Hamad, 63, ordered workers to carry out his dream of having his name in the sand
Who is The Man?
Beach life: The sea runs into the H, A and part of the M in the name of super-rich 63-year-old Arab sheikh Hamad Bin Hamdan Al Ahyan
Is The Man! 

Awkward Family Photos, For All Your Embarrassing Family Snapshot Needs

The exact spot where the "camel toe" was invented

If you like peopleofwalmart.com you’ll probably enjoy awkwardfamilyphotos.com. It’s chock full of regrettable snapshots and portraits for your point and laugh enjoyment.

Existential Eeyore #30: How Many?

"I asked Owl; 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?' he said 'Three'. Then I asked: 'How many kicks does it take to get to the center of a smart-ass Owl?' He didn't know. I do. Two."

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Existential Eeyore #29: Parasites

"Parasites are the leading killer of Donkeys. Turns out Piglet wasn't lying when he said you can get them from eating raw pork. Oh bother!"

Monday, July 18, 2011

Trailer Overturns Spilling Hershey’s Syrup on Highway, Khole Kardashian Called in For Cleanup

Syrup
What a Hershey's Syrup spill might look like

What a woman who really, really loves Hershey's syrup looks like
Story from WPXI

Smart Not So Smart, Trail Of Feathers Leads To Charges Of Grand Theft Swan.

The swan declined to comment for this story

 24-year-old Geffre Smart was arrested in Orlando Florida for grand theft and animal cruelty after police followed a trail of feathers from Lake Eola Park to his home where they recovered the stolen swan. No word on what Smart's intentions were in regards to the swan but, this having occurred in Florida, I would expect the worst. [WFTV via Fark]


Just say "No" to Swancrime

Existential Eeyore #28: Have A Nice Day

"This morning Roo told me to 'cheer up'. I got so mad I bit his head off. Literally."

Sunday, July 17, 2011

The answer is “C”– Lawsuit. “Cash Cab” Kills Canadian Pedestrian.

taxi-driver
What a "Cash Cab" driver might look like
A 61 year-old Vancouver man was struck and killed by a taxi being used to film the reality game show Cash Cab. Man, they’ve certainly taken reality TV to a whole new level, they used to just let you out at he curb if you had too many wrong answers.

Existential Eeyore #27: Blame


"Everything has to be someone's fault and that someone might as well be me."

Saturday, July 16, 2011

When “Gate Rape” Goes Bad

TSA Agent
A TSA agent preparing for "Happy, Happy Fun Time"
61-year-old Yukari Mihamae admitted to grabbing the left breast of the female agent Thursday at Terminal 4 of Phoenix Sky Harbor airport. Police say she squeezed and twisted the agent's breast with both hands. Was that wrong? Should she not have done that? Maybe the TSA agent was hiding a bomb in her bra. Did anyone search the agent when she came into the airport? Inquiring minds want to know…

Existential Eeyore #26: Expectations


"Expect the worst and you'll rarely be disappointed."

Friday, July 15, 2011

This Is How You Quit Taco Bell

i_quit_adam_fuck_you

This guy has a bright future ahead of him. Full story from WBIV in Buffalo.

What’s Obama Tweeting?

Obama Twitter

So, Fark.com is running another of its photo captioning contests (you don’t actually win anything) and they pose an excellent question: “What is Obama tweeting?” Here are some of my guesses:

Where's my budget @Boehner? Does @Barry have to choke a bitch? #pimphand

@anncoulter you didn't *have* to drink all those jager bombs. #score

@joebiden Yes, it looks infected stop tweeting pictures. #whitefolkarecrazy

I'm Kenyan from the waist down #getsome

Going to coast 2 an easy win in '12. thnx @MicheleBachmann #Republicant

@MicheleBachmann is yur husband gay? Sounds like it to me LOL! #fabulous #larrycraig

BOOM, Mugshots!

mugs71511

Click on this sad little buckaroo for this week’s mugshot roundup from The Smoking Gun.

Existential Eeyore #25: Options


"If I were locked in a room with Hitler and Stalin and I had a pistol with two bullets I would shoot myself in the head. Twice."

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Zombotron: Kill Zombies, Collect Their Heads. Rinse. Repeat. Enjoy.

zombotron

Zombotron is a free Flash based side-scrolling shooter from AntKarlov at Armor Games. If you like killing and you like zombies you’ll like Zombotron.

Man Gets Dirk Nowitzki Ass Tattoo, LeBron Suddenly Not So Sad About Losing Championship. (Warning: Man-Ass)

dirkonmyass_opt
Derek Dilday is a really big Mavs fan. No shit? Click the link full an explanation and full ass shot.

Pet Ferret Chews Seven Of Baby’s Fingers Off, "Parents" Charged.

Evil Ferret
What an evil ferret might look like
 A Missouri couple has been charged after the family’s pet ferret chewed off all but a pinkie finger and the thumbs of their 4 month son. It apparently wasn’t the first time the ferret had bitten the baby and the parents allowed their older children to vote on whether or not the ferret should be turned over to a rescue organization. Maybe, just maybe, they shouldn’t have let the children decide after the pet had already bitten the baby twice. File this one under “Epic Parent Fail”.

Existential Eeyore #24: Achievement


"Aim low, it's your best chance of being able to achieve your  goals."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I Don’t understand The Japanese Sometimes III: Eagle Dance

Ummm…what?

I don’t know what to say about this. Seriously.

Actual Headline: “Owner of killer bear chokes to death on sex toy”

Mazzola
Sam Mazzola       Photo Credit:Mark Duncan  /  AP file

From MSNBC.com:
CLEVELAND — An exotic-animal owner who made headlines last summer when one of his bears mauled a woman to death has died after apparently choking on a sex toy, authorities said.
Sam Mazzola, 49, was found dead in his Columbia Station home on Sunday, face down on a water bed. He was bound to the bed with handcuffs, chains and padlocks, Lorain County Chief Deputy Coroner Dr. Frank Miller told the Cleveland Plain Dealer.
[Here comes the fun part]
Mazzola had a sex toy in his throat, which apparently obstructed his breathing, Miller said. He was also wearing a leather mask with the eyes and mouth zipped shut and a two-piece metal sphere covering his head, the coroner told The Morning Journal.
Or as we call at my house “Saturday night”.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

There’s Lego And There’s LEGO! Part 2: Batman!

Batcave

Batcave 2

Holy 9,000 piece LEGO Batcave! Click on any of the pics to go to the full set on Flickr.

All photos

CopyrightAll rights reserved by "Orion Pax"

The Hoffsicle: For When You Absolutely, Positively Need A Mouthful Of David Hasselhoff

Ewwww!
Oh how I wish I was making this up. Could there possibly be a worse quintessentially frozen treat than a frozen, shirtless mini-Hoff? Thankfully these are not, yet, avaiable in the U.S..
Proof that some people will suck anything.

Actual Headline: "German police nab runaway elephants at bus stop"

What a runaway elephant might look like.   

 If only there had been a cab passing by they might have gotten away. Full story from Reuters/Yahoo!.

Monday, July 11, 2011

KFC Offers Dwayne Wade A Lockout Job But Snubs LeBron Citing “Choking Hazard”

DWade
In event of an NBA lockout KFC is offering to donate $250K to charity if former KFC employee Dwayne Wade will return and work a KFC drive-thru for a day. KFC was unable to make a similar offer to LeBron James citing possible legal liability due to James’ tendency to choke.

Texas Woman Gives Birth To 16lb 4oz Baby. In Related News, A New Parking Garage Has Just Opened In Longview,TX.

Moose
1 Day old JaMichael Brown is already being heavily recruited by the Ohio State and Auburn football programs.
At 9:05 Friday morning, Janet Johnson and Michael Brown welcomed their son at Longview's Good Shepherd Medical Center. JaMichael, who was quickly nicknamed "the Moose," is the largest child ever born in the hospital—and possibly the state.
Damn, just…damn. That’s a big ass baby.

OOOOOH YEAH Mugshots!

4_46
Click, click click for more pic, pic, pics.
Oooooh Yeah! It’s mugshot roundup time again from the The Smoking Gun!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

William & Kate Who? Pippa What? Prince Harry Is THE MAN!

Flo
No actual need for a caption here...
Meet Prince Harry’s girlfriend Florence Brudenell-Bruce. William and Kate (and Pippa’s ass) may be getting all of the press but it looks like Harry is having all of the fun. Sometimes it’s good to be the younger brother.
Yeah
Or here...
I doubt we’ll be seeing Florence in a royal wedding anytime soon but then again who cares? Click HERE for a GIS of Flo.
princeharry
I'd be all smiles too...

Additional coverage from People.com

When Good Fireworks Go Bad

Come for the video, stay for the guy narrating (he’s the best part).

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Hate Slideshows? What If I Told You It Was A 99 Pic “Faces of Meth” Slideshow?

Meth

Remind me to stay far, far away from meth.

Meth 2

Click either of our photogenic felons for the full slideshow.

Lifestyles Of The Rich And Kinda Creepy: 'I had my toes sucked by Quentin Tarantino'

QT
Tarantino and Shah
By now you may be familiar with Beejoli Shah’s viral e-mail about her close encounter of the foot fetish kind with film director Quentin Tarantino, if you haven’t read it, do. If only for classic lines like:
And thus began the weirdest ten minutes of my life - having my feet made out with by an Oscar winning filmmaker while he pleasured himself.
QT’s team isn’t talking so we don’t have official confirmation but I’ve got a feelin’ this isn’t out of the realm of possibility for the man that brought us the pawn shop scene in Pulp Fiction.
B Shah
The "lucky" young lady on "Wheel of Fortune"
Click HERE for more background from The Daily Mail.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Doctor Says New Zealand Women “Too Promiscuous". They’re Baaaad, Baaaad Girls…

Sheep
What a promiscuous Kiwi lass might look like.

Dr. Albert Makary says Kiwi women are the most promiscuous in the world and should probably dial it back a bit he also says that “Kiwi society "normalised" drunkenness and promiscuity.”. Well, how else would Kiwis be able to reproduce? I hope nobody from New Zealand actually reads this…[via Fark]

WTF?

Clever, very clever. Wait...no it's not.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Female Judge Takes Picture Of Man At Urinal, Bites Cop. Oh Florida, How I Love Thee…

Traffic court judge Rhonda Hollander reportedly admitted to snapping pictures of men at urinals in her courthouse.

Rhonda Hollander, a 47 year old traffic court judge was arrested after allegedly taking pictures of a man standing at a West Regional Courthouse urinal and biting the finger of a cop who pointed at her and demanded she stop taking his picture. The crazy is strong with this one. Click the pic for the story from the NY Daily News. [via Fark]

 

Begging

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