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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Jack White + Insane Clown Posse = Mozart?!!!

Jack White and  ICP
Jack White officially runs out of collaborators
Prolific Detroit musician Jack White (White Stripes, Raconteurs, The Dead Weather) who has teamed up with everyone from Loretta Lynn to Alicia Keys has taken things to a whole new level. White has collaborated with America’s most hated rap duo Insane Clown Posse to remake a 230 year old Mozart song "Leck Mich Im Arsch" (literally "Lick me in the arse"). Yes, that’s an actual Moart song, Who knew Mozart was the original Juggalo? Click the pic for the article and sound file from Pitchfork [via MeFi]

Cops: Man had sex with inflatable pool raft. Man: Raft was asking for it floating around all sexy like.

Sexy Rafts
What a sexy pool raft might look like
Edwin Charles Tobergta, 32, was arrested at his Harmon Avenue home early Sunday after he was spotted in the act in an alley by the traumatized owner of the raft. Tobergta had been arrested at least five times for similar offenses, most recently in 2008.
Raft Fucker
What a man who has sex with pool rafts definitely looks like

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

You Might Be A Redneck If…You Get Arrested For Streaking At A NASCAR Race And The Cops Find A Raccoon In Your Car…

NASCAR streaker
"Was that wrong y'all, should I notta done that?"
I take that back, you are redneck if you get arrested for streaking at a NASCAR race and the cops find a raccoon in your car…Click the pic for the MSNBC story, click here for local coverage from WBIR in Knoxville. God Bless America and gentlemen...start...your...engines!

Attention S.C. Residents: Legit iPads Cost $500 And Are NOT Made Of Wood

iPlank
Could this be a cleverly disguised iPad 3 prototype?
Spartanburg County sheriffs report that two men in a McDonald’s parking lot sold Ashley McDowell an iPad for $180 but…when McDowell got home she found a wooden board painted to vaguely resembled an iPad (kinda saw that coming didn’t you?). I’ll give credit where credit is due, that’s a funny ass paint job. Click the pic for the full story from The Smoking Gun.

If Nothing Else You have To Admire His Initiative…


5306716
What's Canadian for "ghetto"?
A Vancouver B.C. was reprimanded for police for trying to move a refrigerator in the trunk of his car.  “Reprimanded”, the Canadians make everything sound so polite don’t they?

Man Attempts To Smuggle Snakes Aboard Airplane In His Pants. Samuel L. Jackson Not Amused.

Little Mike
I see you've met "Little Mike"
The TSA apprehended a man attempting to smuggle seven snakes and three tortoises to Brazil in his pants. I guess the billion dollars they spent on full body scanners is starting to pay off. He's lucky he got caught before he got those motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane.
snakes-on -plane-1
What a motherfucking snake on a motherfucking plane might look like.

Existential Eeyore #61: Life Is...

"Whoever said: "Life is what you make it." was never trapped in the woods with a creepy English boy, an insane tiger and a slow-witted bear with an eating disorder."

Monday, August 29, 2011

Axe Wielding Lovebird Takes On All Comers

Remember Kids: Paintballs And Fake Boobs Don’t Mix!

Paintball
What the combination of paintballs and fake boobs might look like.
A 26 year old woman found out the hard way that a paintball traveling 300 fps hits a silicone implant the implant loses. The woman will make a full recovery but she’s expected to feel a bit flat for a while… Click the pic for the full story from the BBC.

Boardwalk Empire Season 2 Trailer

The new season of HBO’s Boardwalk Empire starts September 25th and it looks like shit’s about to get real…

I’ll Bet He Could Play A Mean Guitar...

Mr. Magic Hands
(AP Photo/Javier Galeano)
Meet Yoandri "Twenty-Four" Garrido of Baracoa, Guantanamo province, Cuba. Yoandri makes a living climbing for coconuts and taking pictures with tourists. Six digits on each hand and nobody's handed him a Stratocaster yet? Damn shame. Click the pic for the full story.

Existential Eeyore #60: Don't Touch Me Like That

"I swear to God, if Christopher Robin tries to  play 'The Tickle Game' with me one more time I'm going to kick his fucking teeth in."

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Existential Eeyore #59: You Can't Always Get What You Want

"I felt so bad this morning I was sure I was going to die, then I remembered that I never get what I want."

Quite Possibly The Best Yearbook Quote Ever.

Good Tacos

When I was in high school we didn’t get to put quotes in the yearbook but if we had I hope I would have come up with something as clever as this lesser known gem from MLK. Click the pic for more funny yearbook quotes.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Don’t Cry Baby, The Mugshot Roundup Is Finally Here.

1_52

I know it’s hard to wait but this week’s cavalcade of criminals from The Smoking Gun has finally arrived. Click the sad suspect above for the slideshow.

Friday, August 26, 2011

WTF? The Cookie Ads Edition.

Print

Print

These are apparently actually ads for a Malaysian bakery. I gotta be honest I’m kind of afraid to ask what the filling is made of. [via WTC]

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Bring Me The Head Of Ronald McDonald!

Statue
Copyright All rights reserved by mamasaurus rex
Today’s WTF is brought to us by Italian sculptor Giuseppe Veneziano. Honestly though, haven’t you ever wanted to do this?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Ben Venom Makes The Most. Metal. Quilts. Ever.

Don't Wake Me Lucifer
How can you not have sweet dreams snuggled under a quilt like this?
“Ben Venom” makes quilts and throw pillows out of old heavy metal concert tees. I’m not really sure how much of a market there is for metal quilts but I applaud the effort. His gallery is here. [via MetaFilter]

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Existential Eeyore #58: The Hotline

"I called the Suicide Hotline for help. They told me 'Remember, cut along the vein, not across it.' "

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

“Seasteading”, The Latest Craze For Libertarians With More Money Than Sense.


Derp Island
Seasteading Institute city design (Anthony Ling)

PayPal founder Peter Thiel has donated $1.75 million to the Seasteading Institute to encourage the building of floating Libertarian nation states in International waters. These floating sovereign states would be “free from the laws, regulations, and moral codes of any existing place”. Hey Peter, the Dominican Republic called, they want their idea back…

Meet Emerson Begolly: Nazi, Jihadist, Law & Order Fan, Multitasker. Bygosh!

Fucktard
Looks a bit like Vanilla Ice here doesn't he?
Emerson has been a busy boy! When he wasn’t dressing as a Nazi he was encouraging terrorist acts as an administrator on the Ansar al-Mujahideen English Forum (a global jihadist website). But wait…there’s more! If that wasn’t enough for a motivated young man he also bit two FBI agents in a Burger King parking lot and accused one of them of screwing his mom. Emerson has pleaded guilty to soliciting others to engage in acts of terrorism and to attempting to use a firearm in an assault on FBI agents. He’s scheduled to be sentenced in November. Reminds me of those old commercials, “With a name like Emerson Begolly it’s got to be fucking crazy.”

Existential Eeyore #57: What's Going On?

"What's going on? I don't know, but whatever it is I wish it would stop."

Monday, August 15, 2011

Existential Eeyore #56: The Mirror

'The most painful thing in the world is to look in the mirror and accept that you exist. If you accept that you exist today you must also accept that someday you will no longer exist. Have a nice day."

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Existential Eeyore #55: The Look

"Don't look at me like that. Never look at me like that. A squirrel looked at me like that once...I ate his fucking eyeballs."

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Existential Eeyore #54: The Universe

"The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent."

Friday, August 12, 2011

Check Out This Week’s Mugshot Roundup Or "Stab Your Ass Elmo" Will Be Very Upset.

Stabby Elmo
Click on the very un-Elmo like gentleman above (arrested for stabbing someone) to see this week’s mugshots from The Smoking Gun.

Existential Eeyore #53: Disease

"Life is a terminal disease, we're all going to die from it someday."

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Madonna’s Daughter Launches Make-up Line That Doesn't Appear To Include Eyebrow Wax.

Wolfgirl and crew
Teen Wolf, Skeletor and Kelly Osbourne
The Daily Mail reports that Madonna’s hirsute daughter Lourdes has launched a make-up line called “Material Girl Beauty” with Kelly Osbourne, an “interesting” choice, acting as the “face” of the company. Is there nothing an enterprising young girl with a bit of moxie and an immensely wealthy, world famous parent can’t do? Only in America can a young werewolf girl climb from the lap of luxury to, well, the lap of luxury.

Existential Eeyore #52: Get Busy

"Owl told me to 'Get busy living or get busy dying'.  I told him I only feel alive when there is pain. Mine, his or someone else's. He hasn't talked to me since."

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Existential Eeyore #51: Fact

"Fact: Donkeys kill more people every year than airplane crashes or shark attacks. Bitches best recognize."

It’s Official, Tommy Hilfiger’s Son “Rich Hil” Is The Worst. Rapper. Ever.

Tommy Hilfiger's son Richard “Rich Hil” Hilfiger is the worst rapper ever. How bad is “Rich Hil”? So bad he makes Tom Hanks’ rapping son “Chet Haze” look like Eminem. Rich Hil considers himself to be the best rapper to rise from “mean” streets of Greenwich Connecticut (one of the richest communities in America, average home price $1.7 million) and when he’s not mowing down suburban MCs like his gardener mows down grass Rich Hil can be found getting tattoos and chillin’ at the multi-million dollar Manhattan apartment his daddy bought him. Finally, ICP has somebody to point their fingers and laugh at.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Existential Eeyore #50: Attention

"Fifty straight days of this and still nobody has put me out of my misery. I should have known that no one was paying attention."

Monday, August 8, 2011

Existential Eeyore #49: The Hoard

"Pooh says I have a hoarding problem. I guess it's high time I went ahead and buried the bodies. Oh bother."

Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Prime Minister Of Somalia Works For The Dept. Of Transportation In Buffalo N.Y. …Wait, What?

Prime Minister
Photo Credit: Morgan Walker/Buffalo News
Less than two months ago Mohamed A. Mohamed was prime minister of Somalia. Today he’s back to work at the New York State Department of Transportation office in Buffalo in what appears to have been a lateral career move.
Said Mohamed:
"When I went there I thought there was a functioning system that only needed some adjustment here and there.
"But honestly," he said, "everywhere was dysfunction. You're starting from scratch."
I’m not sure if he’s talking about Somalia or NYSDOT. Full story from The Buffalo News

Existential Eeyore #48: Sunday

"They say that on the seventh day God rested. I wish he had rested the other six as well and spared us all from this miserable existence."

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Existential Eeyore #47: It Couldn't Get Any Worse

"Just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse Tigger reminds me it's time for my weekly prostate exam. I don't even have a prostate. Oh bother."

Friday, August 5, 2011

Satan’s Great-Nephew (On His Wife’s Side) Commands You To Check Out This Week’s Mugshot Roundup!

Chad Satan
The power of Chad Satan compels you!
Great-nephew of the Father of Lies, and Assistant Manager of Valvoline Instant Oil Change #1141 in Carbondale Illinois, Chad Satan commands you to click his pic and view this week’s mugshots from The Smoking Gun!

Wisconsin State Fair: Come For The Cream Puffs, Stay For The Mob Beatings.

Bovine Community
The Bovine community frowns upon your shenanigans
Local Milwaukee news outlets are reporting that a crowd of up to 100 youths engaged in what appear to be racially motivated attacks on people leaving the Wisconsin State Fair last night. According to this report at least one victim will require surgery. The three law enforcement agencies with jurisdiction over the area in and around the park appear to have been equally useless in stopping the attacks or anything else for that matter seeing as they failed to take even one member of the mob into custody. An incident very similar to this also occurred at last year’s Iowa State Fair. This is what happens when teens get all hopped up on deep fried butter on a stick without adult supervision.

UPDATE: Governor Walker has ordered the State Patrol to provide additional law enforcement coverage for the fair and minors will not be allowed onto the the grounds after 5:00 PM without being accompanied by an adult 21 or older. Also, seven police officer were injured, two of them needed be hospitalized.

UPDATE 2: Milwaukee Alderman Bob Donovan and Joe Dudzik have released a surprisingly frank statement that addresses the root causes of incidents like those that occurred last night.

Greetings visitors from The Conservatory!

Update 3: The story has gone international.

Existential Eeyore #46: It's Always Darkest...

"Gopher says it's always darkest before the dawn. I say it's about 40 minutes after washing down half a bottle of Ambien with cheap vodka."

Thursday, August 4, 2011

22 Year Old Man Really Loves ‘Hello Kitty’, Under Age Girls. Why Am I Not Surprised?

Bad Kitty
I think he broke my Creep-O-Meter
You just know something’s wrong with a grown ass man who is into “Hello Kitty”, turns out 22 year old Erik Epperson is not only into the ultra-cute Japanese kitty but he’s been into a number of teen girls as well. It seems Erik has trouble connecting with women of legal age “because of what he believed to be his own 15 year old girl personality.”  Erik may get ample opportunity to explore his feminine side in the very near future as he’s currently facing 30 years in federal prison for crossing state lines to have sex with a minor. Bad kitty! Full story from The Smoking Gun.

Existential Eeyore #45: What I'm Made Of...

"People want to know where the animals of the Hundred Acre Wood came from. Me, I was born of the tears shed by a million children who realized dreams don't come true. Aren't you glad you asked?"

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Existential Eeyore #44: Do You Know...

"Do you know what kind of sound a rabbit makes when you attach jumper cables to his ears? I do."

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Holy Shit, It's A Fucking Semi!

Here's an edited clip from a Rockwall Texas police cruiser's dash cam. I can't believe that nobody got killed (or even hurt for that matter). The full video is here if you're interested but I cut it down to the relevant part.

Existential Eeyore #43: Before Your Eyes

"They say that before you die your whole life flashes before your eyes. Great. A worthless life ending with a boring recap. I hope I get hit by a train."

Monday, August 1, 2011

University Chancellor Runs “S&M Dungeon”, Teaches Hardest. Electives. Ever.

Chancellor David Lee kicks off UNVA's Rush Week (Yes, this is an actual photo of the UNVA chancellor in action).

A raid by immigration agents revealed that University of Northern Virginia chancellor, and chair of its board of trustees, David Lee and his girlfriend apparently have a well appointed dungeon in their basement and have been advertising for “attractive submissive” women who “wish to be part of our poly family. Ideally you will consider yourself a slave or a sub with slave tendencies.” I’m thinking UNVA takes fraternity/sorority hazing to whole different level. Click on the chancellor and his “student” above for the full article and more photos from The Smoking Gun. [Probably NSFW]

Existential Eeyore #42: There' Always Room

"There's always room for Jell-O
 and OxyContin
 and vodka
 and Xanax.
 Oh, and Demerol, just because it's Monday."

 

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