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Friday, September 30, 2011

“Drifting” Saudi Style. These Fuckers Are Crazy.

Forget The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo drift, this is The Motherfucking Saudi Drift In Traffic Featuring AK-47s!

Video: Woman Goes Psycho In Home Improvement Store. On Wisconsin!


Meet 23 year old Mariah Pyatskowit of Appleton Wisconsin. The student and mother of two, who once tried out for Playboy magazine, completely lost her shit in a local Menard’s home improvement store after she tried to cut into a checkout line on Black Friday and got called out on it. On Monday Mariah received 40 hours of community service for her little performance art piece.

Avast Matey! Here Be Your Mugshot Roundup!

Avast
Ahoy there! If it's mugshots ye be seeking click me picture for this week's roundup from The Smoking Gun.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Existential Eeyore #64: O' Crappy Day

It's raining again. No, it's sunny. Now it's raining again. Now it's sunny. And now it's hailing. Wait...now it's sunny and  raining. Fuck it, I'm going back to bed.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

“Frank and Louie” Is A Two-Faced Cat. No, Really, He Has Two Faces. Seriously.

Holy Fuck It's A Cat With Two Faces
"I will haunt your dreams forever."
And he’s in The Guinness Book of World Records… Click the pic for the article from the Worcester Telegram.



Photo Credit: (T&G Staff/DAVID NILES)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Kick Off Your Shoes Ladies, The “Toe Suck Fairy” Is In Custody!

Toe Suck Fairy
"This Little Piggy got fondled, this Little Piggy got sucked, this Little Piggy got amputated...wait, where are you going? Come back!"
Michael Robert Wyatt, 50, was arrested on Monday after two women identified him from a photo line-up as "the man who approached them in local stores commenting on their feet and asking to suck their toes, said LaTresha Woodruff, spokeswoman for the Conway Police Department
Oh but it gets better, Wyatt has previously served time for foot related crimes…
In the 1990s, Wyatt pretended to be a podiatrist in order to fondle and suck a Conway woman's toes at a clothing store.
He got probation for that and then…
In 1991, Wyatt was convicted of making threats for telling a convenience store clerk that he wanted to cut off her feet and suck her toes while she bled to death.
He served a year in prison for that one and then…
In 1999, he was arrested again, police said, after asking a woman in a northwest Arkansas Walmart if she wanted him to amputate her feet and showing her pictures of women with no feet.

“My cousin's entire Bridal Party sank into a lake this weekend. Awesome picture....”

Haha
Probably shouldn’t have asked “Big Linda” to be a bridesmaid…

[imgur via Fark]

UPDATE: There’s video…

Monday, September 26, 2011

Exploding Toilet Injures Woman. Taco Bell Chihuahua Wanted For Questioning

Tasty Food Is Not A Crime
If you see this dog DO NOT approach him contact your local authorities immediately.
WUSA reports: A woman was sent to the hospital after a toilet exploded at the General Services Administration (GSA) Building in DC.
A memo was issued warning GSA workers not to use the toilets in the building until further notice. Congress is considering a ban on the Taco Bell XXLGrilled Stuft Burrito in the wake of this national tragedy. 

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Come At Me Bro!

come_at_me_bro

This kid has a bright future. [via WTC]

Peru bar serves fresh frog juice




Peru bar serves fresh frog juice. Ooookay.

You’ve lost your job. You’ve lost your house. You’re down to your last $1,000. Can you make it through the month? Give It A Shot.

My Wallet

From MarketWatch.com:

Jenny Nicholson is tired of hearing how the poor are poor because they make poor choices. Let’s see what kind of choices you make when it’s your turn to be flattened by the economy.

That’s the idea behind Spent, an online game Nicholson created to challenge popular misconceptions about poverty. Play it at www.playspent.org.

I made it with $462 left (but rent was due the next day).

ProTip: Don’t Expose Yourself To The Bikini Barista, She Has Access To Boiling Water

What’s the opposite of “shrinkage”? Whatever it is that’s what happens when a bikini barista throws a cup of boiling water on you while you’re spanking the monkey in the “Java Girls” drive-thru.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Existential Eeyore #63: Winter Is Coming

"Last Winter Rabbit was almost eaten by wolves. Hopefully this year they'll do better."

Chinese Government Bans Dog Eating Festival. Frantic Tail Wagging Ensues.

do_not_want
"Eat Mor Chikin"
The Chinese government has banned a 600 year old dog eating festival in the town of Qianxi in which 15,000 dogs are killed and eaten annually. The festival commemorates a military victory during the Ming Dynasty in advance of which the army slaughtered all the dogs in Qianxi so their barks would not alert the town people to the assault. I’m starting to think China is second only to Florida in crazy shit.

Friday, September 23, 2011

I Wonder If Her Name Is “Rose”? Let’s Find Out On This Week’s Edition Of Mugshot Roundup!

Rose Tattoo
I’m guessing her name isn’t Violet or Daisy. Click on this week’s flowery felon for the mugshot roundup from The Smoking Gun.
It's Cool Man...
"Go man, click it, it's cool."

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Giant African Snails Invade Miami. Miami Public Schools Soon To Be Serving “Escargot Nuggets” For Lunch

Grab The Salt
The latest group of immigrants to call Miami home are Giant African land snails which can grow up to 8” long. Not only are the snails destroying local plant life but they also destroy stucco and plaster and poop all over the side of houses. Oh, and they can carry a parasite that causes meningitis in humans. This isn’t the first time these commie bastards have invaded Florida, they was an infestation in the late ‘60s when several pet snails were released into the wild and went on a reproducing spree.
Sponge and Gary
Gary is mildly aroused by this story

Who in the fuck not named SpongeBob keeps giant snails as a pet?

Escargot
What a possible solution to Miami's snail problem might look like

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

GeroniNOOOOOO!!!! Suicide By Skydiving

This May Have Been A Mistake

60 year old Robert Raecke commited suicide in Northumberland New York by leaping from an airplane at 8,000 feet and then unbuckling and discarding his parachute. His suicide note didn’t give a reason but his actions certainly had an impact…

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Crazy Criminal Quote Of The Week: "I loved her more than I loved my wife, I was having more sex with the dog than with my wife."

Bad Billydo-not-want

Meet Billy Joe Harris the accused “Twilight Rapist” currently on trial in Texas. Billy claims to have issues, among them are supposedly five distinct personalities. But that’s not the “interesting” part, not by a longshot. Billy apparently has a long, intimate history with animals. Some “highlights” from Billy’s testimony:

Harris said he was made to put on a dress and makeup at age 13 and take part in a threesome with his music teacher and a dog…

Harris claims he killed chickens while masturbating, had sex with a female Shetland pony and had two canine lovers - Fina, a doberman pincher and Lady, a rottweiler.

And our quote of the week: "I loved her [Fina the Doberman] more than I loved my wife," he said. "I was having more sex with the dog than with my wife."

Oh, and there’s space aliens…can you guess if he’s pleading insanity or not?

Monday, September 19, 2011

CNN Instructs You On How To Eat The Female Hairy Crab, Doesn’t Explain Why You Would Do Such A Thing.

Mmmmmmm?
You thought this article was about something else didn't you?
Doesn’t That just look scrumptious? No? Didn't think so. If you’re curious click the pic for instructions on how to eat the hairy crab. Things like this are the reason I enjoy processed foods.
Eat Me
Eat me...you know you want to.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Apparently McDonald’s Actually Can Kill You. Who Knew?

scary_anime_mcdonalds
I have no idea what the fuck is going on in this picture.
A leaky line carrying gas for carbonating beverages at a Pooler Georgia McDonald’s sickened 9 people and killed an 83 year old Florida woman. Damn, talk about dying for a Big Mac…

S. African Court Rules Chinese Condoms Too Small. The Jokes, They Write Themselves…

Xtra Xtra Small
A South African court has issued an injunction barring the government from buying 11,000,000 condoms from Chinese company Siqamba Medical citing the fact that they are too small for use in South Africa. Do I really need to add anything to this? Didn't think so.

I see what you did there...

And A Pumpkin In A Pear Tree…Wait, What?

Pumpkin In A PearTree
Iowa trees bear strange fruit...
I don’t know what’s going on in Iowa but this just ain’t right. Actually it appears that a pumpkin vine climbed a pear tree. Or at least that’s the official story…
The Truth

This Is What It Looks Like When You Swallow $200K Worth Of Cocaine

I'll Have The Tony Montana Special
A 20 year old Irishman apparently ordered the “Tony Montana” from a Brazilian café before attempting to board a flight that would eventually land him in Brussels. The man, identified only as “P.B.B.” had swallowed roughly 2 pounds of coke in 72 separate packages. Police took him to a local hospital where the drugs were removed and “P.B.B.” is now facing 15 years in prison.
tony-montana
Now that's a good lunch mang...

Saturday, September 17, 2011

When 80’s Movies Meet Real Life: Men Party With Friend’s Corpse

He would have wanted it that way
Meet Robert Jeffery Young and Mark Rubinson who took their dead friend Jeffrey Jarret, and his debit card, out for one last night on the town on August 27th. The friends went to various bars and restaurants in the Denver area wrapping up the night at a strip club before returning the deceased to his apartment and notifying police. No word on if the stiff got one final lap dance.
Bernie
Not impressed

Archie Out of Context. Old Comics Made New Again.

Don't Ask Don't Tell
When "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" came to Riverdale
I love when comic panels are repurposed to make new jokes like Archie Out Of Context and Garfield Minus Garfield. [via MetaFilter]

G minus G

Headline Of The Day: “Man, 87, drowns in lawnmower accident”

Lawnmower Fail

You’re doing it wrong.

"The last time this many nobodies got roasted, at least the band Great White was playing"

Steve-O
"Was that wrong? Should I not have said that? Too soon?"
Jackass jackass Steve-O quipped at the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen that "The last time this many nobodies got roasted, at least the band Great White was playing" (referring to the Station Nightclub fire). It seems some people had a problem with that. The father of one of the victims complained and Comedy Central cut the joke from the show to be broadcast September 19th. You have to admit, as offensive as it might be to the loved ones of the victims, that was a damn good line. Comedy = Tragedy + Time.

Kourtney Kardashian Takes 21 Month Old Son To Plastic Surgeon, Didn’t Realize Surgery Can’t Fix Bad Parents.

Albanian Werewolves of New York
I know the story is that he fell and bumped is nose so Mom rushed him to the plastic surgeon but I think that’s a cover-up. My sources tell me young Mason was injured when Aunt Khloe dipped him in Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce and tried to eat him…

Whar Barbeque Baby? WHAR???!!!

[The Daily Mail via Fark]

Friday, September 16, 2011

Can You Ear Me Now? Good! You Have The Right To Remain Silent And Check Out The Mugshot Roundup

Sad Goat
Cheer up little Goat Boy, those lobes will make great handles for your cellmate!
Is it just me or does this guy looks like a sad goat? Click on Goat Boy for this week’s mugshot roundup from The Smoking Gun.

Wired Calculates The Terminal Speed Of Bird Poop. America Officially Has Too Much Time On Its Hands.

Curious Owl
Whar cure for cancer? WHAR????!!!
Wired’s Dot.Physics blog has a lengthy post on the terminal speed of bird poop and whether or not said poop can crack a car’s windshield. We, as a nation, are doomed. But, fear not as our windshields are probably safe.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

My Kingdom For A Powerful Electromagnet

Pincushion

I’m really curious what would happen if you put this guy in an MRI machine…

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Man Poops On Dead Hedgehog In Street. Sonic Reportedly Furious.

The Hedgehog Pooper
The notorious hedgehog pooper-on-er
34 year old Victor Knox told his arresting officer “When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go,” after a police officer in Spalding noticed Knox squatting with his pants around his knees. The officer went to the area where Knox had been squatting and saw “fresh human feces on top of a dead hedgehog”.  OK, I can see having to take a emergency dump but…in the street, in broad daylight on top of a dead hedgehog?!!! Upon further reflection, it would make an awesome story to tell the grandkids. “Did I ever tell you youngsters about the time I got arrested for shitting on a dead hedgehog?”
Sonic Is Not Amused
Sonic has vowed revenge for the indignity suffered by his fallen brother.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Duuuuude….seriously?

Finally Too Ugly For Uncle Chris To Touch

From The Smoking Gun:

Meet Caius Veiovis.

The Massachusetts man, 31, and two cohorts are facing murder and kidnapping charges in connection with the deaths of three men, one of whom was expected to testify against one of the accused killers in an upcoming criminal trial.

He kinda looks like a bizzaro universe Aaron Rodgers…

Best. Headline. Ever.

Sex Dwarf

“Gordon Ramsay Sex Dwarf Eaten By Badger”. This headline will never be topped. [Anorak via Fark]

Joran van der Sloot Due In Court Today, Nancy Grace’s Nostril Sense Starts Tingling

Joran van der Slut
They see me killin', they hatin'..."
When he’s not running a snack bar out of his cell in Peru’s Castro Castro Prison or knocking up his new Peruvian girlfriend Joran van der Sloot is facing trial for the murder of 21-year-old Stephany Flores. Flores’ family is looking for a 30 year sentence while van der Sloot’s attorneys are seeking a 6-20 year manslaughter bit. No matter which way it goes I’m sure Nancy “The Flaring Nostrils of Justice” Grace will be outraged. Hey…I’ve got an idea, maybe Joran and Casey Anthony could get married! She’s rumored to be heading South of the border.  The Over/Under for Joran strangling Casey is 18 months, I’ll take the under.
Evil Incarnate
"Mark my words, I will eat Joran van der Sloot's children!"

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I Have A “Jerico” Belly Tattoo, Your Argument Is Invalid. New Mugshots Are Here.

Jerico Tattoo
Click on our flabby Floridian friend above for the new mugshot roundup from The Smoking Gun (Jerico is the perp’s last name BTW).

Why Bother Blinding Airline Pilots When You Can Blind People On The International Space Station?

Wicked S3

A while back I posted about a laser that could start shit on fire, blind your friends instantly and cause skin cancer. Forget that kiddy shit. Wicked has come out with a new laser that is three times as powerful with a beam that can reach into space. Wicked claims that the S3 Krypton’s beam is 8000 times brighter than the sun. Be aware however that the company advises that nobody ever use this laser for anything whatsoever as it is unsafe.

 

Piglet Born With “Human” Head. What On Earth Has Christopher Robin Been Getting Up To?

Ummm OK

A piglet was born in Guatemala recently with a vaguely human looking head. All of the local men are denying responsibility. Click here for the full story from The Daily Star. [via Fark]

Is This What makes Disney The “Happiest Place On Earth”?

Lion King Sex

Disney has been accused of slipping subliminal messages in their kids movies for years. This one however isn’t even subtle much less subliminal. But (no pun intended) it does go a long way towards explaining Walt’s meticulously groomed facial hair.

Mouse Beads

Google Street View Should Avoid Miami…And Germany

Oh No She Di'int

A lovely view of a woman apparently washing up on her porch in Miami’s Liberty City area…

Ja Und I Am Nekkid

And from Germany (where else?), a naked man in the trunk of a car.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

What Stormtroopers Do On Their Time Off

Stormtropper and son fishing
Take their kids fishing

Stormtrooper Waiting For His Date
Go on blind dates

Stormtrooper Baseball
Play sandlot baseball with Lord Vader

Who knew Imperial Stormtroopers lead such, well, normal lives? Check out the entire set here.  [via WTC]

Friday, September 9, 2011

Photo: Drunk Swedish Moose In Tree

Drunk Moose In Tree

I don’t think this really needs anything more said about it but…here’s the story if you’re interested.

Ask Dr. Mike: “Can an iPhone app cure acne?” No! Dumbass.

No App For ThatWhy no, in fact there isn’t an app for that…

The FTC has ordered two app developers to pay refunds to the ~15,000 people morons who paid for the iPhone apps AcnePwner and AcneApp that claimed to cure acne by flashing different color lights. The iPhone may be “magical” but it won’t cure medical conditions. Damn, people are stupid.

When The Hot Beef Injection Goes Horribly Wrong…

Woman dies after injecting hot beef fat into facePlastic Sugery Gone WrongThis picture has absolutely nothing to do with the story

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

Janet Hardt, 63, was pronounced dead at 6:25 p.m. at Advocate South Suburban Hospital in Hazel Crest, according to the Cook County Medical Examiner’s office.

A source said shortly before Hardt died she injected heated beef fat into her face around her mouth and chin, which she had done before on several occasions.

ProTip: “Do It Yourself” plastic surgery is never a good idea…

Existential Eeyore #62: It's Hard

"It's hard to be depressed now that football season has started. But, I'll try."

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Sucks To Be You Ohio

Ha Ha Ohio
Now we know why Ohio State fans are the way they are...
I have nothing to add, but I’ll bet Ohio men wish they had something to add…

Weatherman Fails To Forecast Waking Up In Tub With Naked Corpse Wearing Dog Collar

brett-cummins
Brett Cummins. Get it...Cummins? Never mind.
Meet Brett Cummins, the 33 year meteorologist for KARK in Arkansas. After a night of extremely hard partying Brett woke up in a hot tub with the corpse of his friend Dexter Williams who was naked with the except for a dog collar around his neck. A third man at the scene related to authorities:
"Brett screamed and became ill and left the bathroom and vomited on the carpet in the living room,"
You don’t say…
Hangover
Brett Cummins makes these guys look like amateurs 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

When Child Stars Go Bad: Gumby Tries To Rob A 7-11

GumbyEvil Gumby
It’s sad when former child stars hit rock bottom after their career fades. Take Gumby for example, once a national icon, now reduced to attempting to rob 7-11s in San Diego. I don’t even want to know what Pokey is doing for money these days…

Existential Eeyore #62: Less Is More

"There are those who say that 'Less is more'. They're wrong."

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Monday, September 5, 2011

Wisconsin Rocks: “Ed Gein, The Musical”

Ed Gein
Ed always had a song in his heart, and a heart on the stove.
“Ed Gein, The Musical” is a 92-minute musical/comedy/horror movie filmed in Wisconsin and based on the notorious killer and grave robber from Plainfield, Wis. Gein, inspiration for such films as Psycho, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Silence of The Lambs, is a Wisconsin icon of sorts and Dan Davies has set his saga to music.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Defendant Pisses In Courtroom Trashcan During Hearing. Doesn’t Plead Insanity. Probably Should Have.

Rocket Scientist

Corey Webb faces anywhere from five years to life in prison for allegedly pulling a gun from his backpack and firing at an officer inside the Smith Juvenile Attention Center during an escape attempt in July 2010. After taking an impromptu break during the hearing to unbuckle his pants and piss in the courtroom trashcan Webb pleaded guilty to aggravated assault of a peace officer. That’s some weapons grade stupid right there.

Is That A Doughnut In your Forehead Or Are You Just A Complete Moron?

Executive Material

Where would I be without The Smoking Gun and their collection of “interesting” police portraits of productive members of society? I’ve seen all kinds of body mods but a forehead doughnut? Is that the base for a future unicorn horn? A place for toll change? I guess you could keep lip balm in there or maybe you can open twist-off bottles in it.

Who Knew Chicken Theft Was Such A Problem In The U.K.?

Secure Chicken

I have to say that this is the first time I’ve ever seen a chicken with a security tag on it. [via WTC]

What Does It Take For A Woman To Have Sex With Her Brother? £20, Same As In Scotland…

Just imagine what the babies would look like
Can you hear the banjos...? Do they have banjos in Scotland?
Meet Scotland’s new glamour couple Richard and Kirsty Finlayson. No, they’re not husband and wife, they’re brother and sister. The Finlaysons are facing legal action after having been caught on security cameras having sex not once but twice in a train station elevator. After the second “incident” the camera caught Richard handing Kristy a £20 note. Richard insists that the money wasn’t for the sex, just a gift from brother to sister. Richard seems to enjoy giving “gifts” to his sister… [The Scottish Sun via Fark]

Saturday, September 3, 2011

When He’s Not Overdosing On Heroin Nikki Sixx Is A Actually A Pretty Damn Good Photographer

You Will Not...
Mötley Crûe bass player, author and Sixx: A.M. frontman Frank “Nikki Sixx” Ferrana is a bit of a Renaissance Man. A prolific photographer Sixx runs an L.A. photography studio called Funny Farm and cranks out some interesting, if a bit dark, work. Click the pic for Sixx’s photo Tumblr.

Campaign Poster Photoshop Contest @ FARK

Derp Throat
Click the pic for more entries…

California Man Bites Snake. Wait, What?

Tasty Python
When drunken trailer trash attacks!
David Senk of Sacramento was arrested for doing his best Honey Badger impersonation and taking two bites out of an unidentified friend’s pet python. The snake lost a couple of ribs and had to have stiches but should recover. Alcohol may have been a factor in the incident.
Human Honey Badger
David Senk don't give a shit!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Man Decapitates Himself After Domestic Dispute. His Wife Must Have Been A Real Pain In The Neck.

HeadlessMan
This picture has nothing to do with the story
A 46 year old man in Yorktown Virginia set fire to a trailer containing all of his belongings. So far not too crazy. But wait…he then attached a steel cable to a tree, placed the cable around his neck, climbed into his SUV and gunned the engine pulling him through the rear window and decapitating him in front of police and firefighters. Said neighbor Merlyn Keefer "I was just shocked. Why would people do such stuff, We can't ask him what really went through his head." I don't know about his head but I certainly know what went through his neck...


 

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