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Sunday, October 30, 2011

Existential Eeyore #65: Halloween

"The only good thing about Halloween is that I can wear women's clothes and nobody questions it."

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Man Firebombs Taco Bell Over Skimpy Chalupa. I’ve Firebombed Taco Bell’s Bathroom Many Times.

Chehuahua
Occupy The North Slappey Taco Bell!
Albany Georgia police and arson investigators are searching for a man who firebombed the North Slappey (I’m not making that up) Taco Bell after workers skimped on the beef for his XL Chalupas and refused to remake them as it was closing time. Dude, it’s a fucking Chalupa. Seriously, let it go. Oh, and your “firebomb” sucked, use a glass bottle next time.
Lamebomb
The devastating damage from the North Slappey firebombing.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Hooker Strangles Man With Suspenders For Trying To Kiss Her. Didn’t He See “Pretty Woman”?

Urkel
"Did I do that?"
Precious
"Oh no you di'int!"
   
A nineteen year old prostitute in Milwaukee is accused of strangling a sixty-three year john with his suspenders for trying to kiss her. Precious Dupriest said she had gone to a hotel room with Billy W. Murray to smoke a $40 crack rock and “have some fun”. She freaked when Murray tried to kiss her because “that’s disgusting”. Apparently smoking crack and having sex with a complete stranger is cool but kissing, that’s over the line. Just for good measure Precious stole Murray’s pants and Cadillac on her way out. Stay classy Milwaukee!

Man Beats Woman With Frozen Armadillo. No, That’s Not A Euphemism For His Junk.

Eat Me
WHAR JUSTICE FOR ARMADILLO? WHAR!!!??!!
Dallas police report that a 57 year old woman was struck twice with a frozen armadillo in a price dispute with the man selling the carcass. For some reason the woman was apparently planning to eat the armadillo in question. Dallas police were unable to locate the man who could be facing assault charges.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

If Americans Can’t Have Sex While Skydiving The Terrorists Have Won. Link To Vid Inside

Free Balling
The FAA is investigating a videotaped mid-air sexual encounter between skydiving instructor Alex Torres and Skydive Taft receptionist Hope Howell. Apparently the government is investigating whether or not the act “distracted” the pilot which is a violation of federal rules. That and the fact that no TSA agent was allowed to grope the receptionist before takeoff.

Friday, October 14, 2011

McDonald’s Employee Serves Up Whoop Ass Meal Fortified With An Iron Bar.


Two women at a Manhattan McDonald’s who went after a cashier that questioned their $50 bill got more than they bargained for when they slapped the cashier and jumped the counter. Turns out the Micky D’s worker, Rayon McIntosh, had just got out of prison for killing a high-school classmate in 2000. After the women jumped the counter he Beat. The. Fuck. out of them with an iron bar. Looks like self defense to me…

The new McDonald's ad campaign ?


UPDATE: CNN reports that a New York grand jury has declined to indict Rayon McIntosh on a charge of felony assault. The two women who jumped the counter and were beaten, Denise Darbeau and Rachael Edwards,each face pending charges of menacing, criminal trespassing and disorderly conduct.




Fred Durst Working On Show For CBS Titled “Douchebag”. Great, Another Reality Show.

Douchebag
"You...should be ashamed of yourself for making me famous."
AOLTV is reporting that Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst is working on a new show for CBS with the working title “Douchebag” about “a rock legend who is trying to balance his celebrity life with his family life.” At first I thought it was a reality show until I read the word “legend”. If you needed any proof that American society is in deep decline look no further.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Two Pregnant Women Knife Two Other Women Visiting Their Man In The Hospital. Stay Classy Chester, PA

Crozer

Two women aged 15 and 36 were visiting a man recovering from a gunshot wound at Crozer-Chester Medical Center in Pennsylvania were set upon by two pregnant women who arrived at the hospital to visit the same man. The not pregnant women we both injured with an edged weapon and were treated at the hospital (convinient no?). For some reason I am not at all surprised that the man in question was shot, it was probably done by a current baby mama/soon to be baby mama or future baby mama.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Holy Shit, It’s A Fucking Antelope!


What are the odds of being hit by a huge antelope while mountain biking in South Africa? Pretty good apparently.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Sonoma Police Hoping To Flush Out Mystery Enema Woman

They Never Look Like This

Sonoma California police are trying to hunt down a mystery woman who entered the home of a visually impaired 53 year old man who had recently had intestinal surgery and performed an enema on him. The man was apparently left “befuddled” by the incident. Befuddled but clean, very clean.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Fight At Wal*Mart Sends 19 To Hospital. Stay Classy Baltimore.

Rollback Diva
A Wal*Mart Super Center in Baltimore County, Maryland was evacuated and 19 people taken to local hospitals (one with a potential serious eye injury) after some baby mama drama escalated and Theresa Monique Jefferson, 33, allegedly threw bleach and Pine-Sol on the other woman. In case you didn’t know mixing bleach and ammonia creates a toxic gas and the local HazMat team was called in. The store was evacuated, ventilated and cleaned and re-opened that same day. Well, at least that part of the floor was clean.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Friday, October 7, 2011

Who’s The Man? I Am, Cuz I’ve Got Mugshots Bro!

 

Mushot Me Bro

Click on Mr. Awesome above for this week’s mugshot roundup from The Smoking Gun.

18 Year Old Chick Robs Neighbor To Feed Porn Addiction. So Far, So Good…Aaah That’s An Unfortunate Mugshot.

Randy Mandy
I dub thee "Randy Mandy"
Amanda Owens, 18 had apparently burglarized her neighbors home several times to steal items she could pawn for cash to buy porn DVDs. She probably should have spent some of the money on proactiv. Click the pic for the full story from The Smoking Gun.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Khloe Kardashian…Correction: 33 Foot Whale Found Dead In Field 1/2 Mile From Ocean

Khloe In FieldAnd we shall call her "Khloe"

A 33 foot long female sei whale was found dead in a field almost 1/2 mile from the ocean in East Yorkshire, England. Authorities believe the whale reached the field via an unusually high seasonal tide or a really big taxi. Click the pic for the full story from The Telegraph.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

California Woman Who Wasn’t Thinking Arby’s When She Killed, Cooked And Ate Husband Hungers For Freedom


He would have wanted it this way
"Is this wrong? Should I not be eating my husband?"
Omaima Aree Nelson killed and ate her husband in 1991 after she was unable to dispose of his entire body afer running the garbage disposal for two solid days. The Egyptian born former model wowed authorities with such Grade A Choice quotes as: "I Did His Ribs Just Like in a Restaurant" and, my personal favorite, "Nothing tastes as good as the man I married. It's the sauce that does it.". Needless to say some are opposing her application for parole. Just in case you were wondering, that's not her in the picture above.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Amanda “Foxy Knoxy” Knox Ordered Released From Italian Prison, Nancy Grace’s Nipple Outraged.


Foxy Knoxy
Does this look like the face of a killer to you? Now the picture below on the other hand...
American Amanda Knox and her Italian former boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito have had their convictions for the murder of British student Meredith Kercher overturned by an Italian appeals court. The two have ordered freed immediately. A third person convicted in the internationally infamous case, Rudy Hermann Guede, remains imprisoned.
The Nipple Of Doom
"The Devil is dancing tonight. Wait, let me rephrase that..."

Saturday, October 1, 2011

 

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